An Ongoing Journey of Awakening and Growth
Mark Twain said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
For most of my life, I was basically tootling along doing the usual things… school, work, raising a family, and volunteering in church and community. I operated from an insulated and conservative faith and world view. I often viewed issues from a binary black and white perspective of right vs wrong, justifying my opinions with long-held conservative and unchallenged beliefs. I had a deep Christian faith and was an ordained lay leader in a large metropolitan church during some contentious times in the denomination. I was part of the leadership that resisted the denomination’s LGBTQ+ inclusion policies. I did not personally know any gay people (or so I thought!) and my only exposure to the LGBTQ+ community was through TV and the media. I was sheltered and unchallenged to be concerned about the injustices and discrimination faced by this marginalized community. At that time, I didn’t believe I had any reason to question what I held to be true.
However, it all became very personal when visiting our college student, they shared with me that they’re gay. It wasn’t a huge surprise… I had my suspicions; I was just hoping it wasn’t true. I remember saying, “I still love you no matter what. I don’t understand but I want to understand. Thank you for telling me.” During the one and one-half hour drive home, I was in a near catatonic state, praying out loud and asking God what I was supposed to do. Almost audibly, I heard, “Just love. Just love.”
During the one and one-half hour drive home, I was in a near catatonic state, praying out loud and asking God what I was supposed to do.
Almost audibly, I heard, “Just love. Just love.”
Within about a week of this news, I met with a friend of a friend who was a highly respected leader in another local church and who was fully affirming of her gay daughter. She recommended several resources (e.g., books, organizations, and websites) and shared her experience with reconciling her faith with full inclusion of the LGBTQ+ community. During our first meeting she shared how her daughter’s ex-wife was now a transgender man. This was the first I had heard of a non-celebrity being transgender and I was quite alarmed and confused.
During the next few months, I took a deep dive into studying human sexuality and gender, struggling to reconcile what I was learning to my conservative faith. It was a most unsettling time because I was questioning what I thought I had understood, especially from a traditional interpretation of Scripture. It was truly a crisis of faith for me because I realized that if I had been so hurtfully wrong about this issue, I wondered where else my faith had been so misdirected and incorrect. Thankfully, with time, much prayer, supportive friends, and many resources (especially the organization The Reformation Project), I had a change of heart and came to full acceptance of same-sex relationships. It was also very exciting to learn of strong Christian believers who were gay and working to gain acceptance in the faith community on a national level.
Later, my journey of awakening took on more significance when our gay adult child was visiting. They explained that medical and professional counseling had confirmed their longstanding gender dysphoria. Living their authentic self would mean transitioning their outward appearance to that of a man, changing their name, and updating legal documents to reflect their correct gender. It felt like the past 20+ years as our daughter was being compartmentalized and discarded. His journey of discovery is not an unusual one within the LGBTQ+ community. However, as parents, it was hard to make the name and pronoun change because there were so many years and memories associated with their birth name and status as our daughter, not our son. Although, with concerted effort and recognizing the hurt caused with misgendering or using their “dead name”, we became more accustomed to our family’s new reality. Again, through much prayer, study and recommended resources, I came to understand that we actually had a son all those years and that now he was finally “matching his outsides with his insides”.
During that time, I also found tremendous support and education through becoming a member of PFLAG. It was in PFLAG that I met many wonderful allies and people within the LGBTQ+ community. In addition to now having a transgender son and learning how to be of most support to him, I became sensitized to the discriminatory and exclusionary practices in our society and churches.
I met with our church’s youth and young adult ministries leadership to offer my support to their students and families. I wanted to be a resource to others who might be experiencing a crisis of faith like I had a few short years ago. I had persistent nudges to explore how my church might become an affirming church. During a morning devotion and thinking about LGBTQ+ inclusion, I perceived that God was asking me, “If not now, when? If not you, who?” Therefore, I continued to meet with pastors, leaders, and various groups in my church to share my story, offer my support, and give them resources that might encourage them to reconsider their traditional views on the LGBTQ+ community. Many people in my church were receptive to hearing my story and seemed genuinely interested in exploring how to better support and welcome all marginalized communities. But the idea of offering studies and discussions on affirming theology on a larger scale was not encouraged for fear of causing conflict and loss of membership. At that point I was unsure if I would be able to stay at my church because I felt their unchallenged traditional views were discriminatory and harmful. However, after attending a conference of The Reformation Project, my prayers for discernment were answered with the encouragement to stay and be an instrument of change from within for now.
I had been involved with PFLAG for several years and had benefitted tremendously through their programs and resources, however, being a secular organization, I didn’t think they adequately addressed the faith reconciliation concerns of Christians. Therefore, I also became more involved with faith-based organizations like Called to Love and have found the kind of understanding and ongoing support that I needed on my journey. Sharing concerns, encouraging understanding, and discussing books and resources has helped me to know that I am not alone and that I do not need to abandon my faith to fully affirm and embrace the LGBTQ+ community. Through Called to Love, it has also been an incredible experience to now serve in a stronger advocacy role for the LGBTQ+ community within my faith tradition, at school board meetings, and at community or Pride events. On a final note, I want to say that I am so incredibly thankful for our adult son (who happens to be trans) and the solid relationship of love and respect that we have today. I celebrate who God made him to be and look for the day when all our churches and society fully embrace and understand the beautiful diversity in God’s creation, including all of us unique humans – each made in God’s image.
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